I Don’t Know Who To Confide In About The Affair
I sometimes hear from folks who feel as if they don’t have any one with whom they can be completely honest about their marriage and the recent infidelity that has threatened it.
Sometimes, this concern comes from the faithful spouse. You’ll often hear comments like: “I really wish I had someone to talk to about my husband’s affair. But I don’t want to tell my family or my friends because I know that they would think less of my husband and they would think less of me because I may just stay with him. I feel like I just have to keep this inside of me and guard this awful secret.”
Other times, you will hear these kinds of concerns from the cheating spouse. Common comments are things like: “I feel horrible guilt about cheating on my wife. I would do anything to make this right again. I am so sorry for my behavior. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I’d love to hear some insights about what might have been behind my stupid behavior. I can’t talk to my wife about this because it will hurt her. I can’t talk about any of my friends about this because I don’t want people to know how much of a jerk I was. I don’t even feel comfortable telling my pastor about this because I feel like my wife wouldn’t like him knowing about our marriage. I guess I will just have to have conversations in my own head.”
I firmly believe that it’s very important to have an outlet for this. But I also know first hand that you have to be very careful about who you share this with. All of the above concerns are extremely valid. If you tell mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances, then you run the risk that these people will make judgements or will continue to ask about or bring up the affair long after you want to let it go.
Plus, hearing other people’s judgements and assessments of you, your spouse or your marriage can be very hurtful. This can affect those close relationships that you really need right now in order to lean on for support. So below, I will offer some alternatives that might help.
Consider Talking To A Third Party Professional: I know that some people might roll their eyes or groan at this suggestion. Because a counselor, marriage, or mental health professional is usually the first consideration that is often rejected. I know that the idea of going to see a stranger and unload about your marriage might feel odd, but think about it this way. A professional has no preconceived notions about you, your marriage or your spouse. They have no investment about the outcome. They just want to help you sort out the issues and heal. And, when you are at the end of the process, you don’t have to worry that any thing that you tell them will come back to haunt or you.
Consider Talking To A Friend That Doesn’t Know Your Spouse Or Who Has No Interest In Your Marriage: Sometimes, you have a friend or a coworker that you only know casually or outside of your personal life. In other words, this is someone who you never have to worry about coming over to your house and facing or judging your spouse. This is often a coworker because many people are able to keep their work and their professional lives separate. But sometimes this might be someone who you get to know at the gym or on the train that you are comfortable enough approaching.
Consider Talking To The Blank Page: Many people resist writing in a journal because they are afraid that their spouse is going to read what they have written or they are a little embarrassed to put their feelings on paper when their teenage years are behind them. But, I strongly suspect that if you try this for at least a week, you will be glad that you did.
Frankly, I journal on a small word processor that has a password feature. That way, I never had to worry about anyone reading what I have written. Or, you can use a computer and delete the entries if this makes you feel better. Another idea is that you can get a journal with a lock or you can rip out the pages as you finish. Whatever it takes to make you feel free to release your feelings is worth the effort.
People will often tell me that they have no idea what to write about. If you need a little nudge, there are a couple of things that you can try. I would often read self help books about infidelity and then I would write out my reaction. I would write about why I thought the author was right or wrong. And then I would go on about my own personal situation and feelings.
Or, you can use open ended phrases like: “today my most persuasive feeling or thought is _____ and here is why.” You can try free association and you can write the first thing that comes into your mind. You can look at photos in magazines and write about what feelings those evoke in you. Or you can set the timer for five minutes and just start writing and see what presents itself.
However you get the words out, it’s important that you do. Keeping your feelings inside will often keep you stuck. Once you release the feelings, they often lose their power and you can begin to work through them. But please talk to someone or something. You don’t want to keep your feelings trapped inside of you. They need to be released so you can begin to heal.
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My hubby had cheating a few years ago. I discovered about this and that he confessed. To become honest I wasn’t the best or perhaps an easy person to reside with in those days and that i did things that I am not happy with. Not too that excuses what he did, but I have attended counseling in my own issues. My hubby initially wanted the divorce. He explained he loved her, our marriage was over lengthy prior to the affair began, that even when she wasn’t within the picture he still want out. I had been desperate in those days and that i threatened another lady. She’d a hollywood job and that i threatened to reveal her for that homwrecking whore that they was. She cared way too much about her job and status. I have no idea what went down exactly, if she ended things or maybe he did, but she eventually moved across the nation. I believe he would visit, however i reminded him there wasn’t a court on the planet who would provide him custody of the children in our boy who had been 3 at that time regardless of how crazy he demonstrated I had been and reminded him of methods much he’d be having to pay me when we divorced.
The lady he’d the affair with been a detailed friend of my siblings. I did not be aware of lady with no one even understood this until my sister stated the lady confided in her own about falling for any married guy and she or he put two and 2 together. My sister never explained concerning the affair even if she figured everything out initially stating that she desired to remain neutral, but she wound up taking her buddies side. Saying in a lot of words which i would be a lousy mother as well as an awful wife. That her friend was among the best people she knows. ( Yeah, so sweet that they rested with my hubby) The lady and him were really happy together which he loved her. My sister even explained the affair choose to go on for 7 several weeks which based on her friend nothing physical had happened up to a couple of days before I discovered. ( The only real reason I discovered was because my hubby didn’t even bother in the future home that evening). He informed her he did not need to make her another lady and set HER through all this. My sister explained that they had faced my hubby about this all before and he stated he already were built with a divorce attorney, he had proven her the documents and that he stated he had had enough and simply wanted out. She stated something which completely pissed me off. She stated that it is unfortunate my hubby and also the lady didn’t postpone from sleeping with one another until following the divorce because everybody might have wound up in far better places then they’re in now!!
A week ago I at random visited visit my sister who I haven’t spoken two in several weeks. My nephew solutions the doorway holding your child who looked about one and a half. My husband’s ex-mistress seemed to be there . I’m not sure what she was doing there or maybe she’s since moved back, however when I recognized the kid was hers I faced her about this. She didn’t even say a thing in my experience. She just required the infant increased stairs towards the room and closed the doorway. I had been so pissed off I honestly desired to kill her or at best perform some kind of damage. My sister explained to simply leave and that i did. She later explained that she’s been aware of the infant for some time, it wasn’t her spot to let me know. She stated which i ought to be grateful because there isn’t any way my hubby might have remained had he of been aware of the kid!! Must I tell my hubby, I don’t want him to return to her?
If hadn’t read an earlier question requested this is actually the quick run lower. Happen to be married for around 2.five years Just lately discovered wife were built with a affair for around 3 several weeks but ended it. She confided in her own mother via emails (thats how my accusations were confirmed) and was told not to let me know as well as discovered that her mother had same factor happen 16 years earlier rather than told. Well would let her know at her birthday earlier this weekend but after asking her made the decision to inform before which designed for a genuine interesting party earlier this sunday. Used to do appear only remained for any very breif some time and left. Couldnt stay at home since not just did she cheat but had asked the man and the wife to her party since she works together with the man that they scammed with coupled with asked everybody she works together with. When got home later that evening she was pleading me to forgive her and it has been crying a great deal recently saying it’ll never happen again and only agreed to be a large mistake. She swears that they loves me and is going to do whatever needs doing to obtain past this, I simply have no idea have previously approached an attorney and would proceed with divorcee but know just have no idea any longer. Can someone really get this to large of mistake rather than try it again. How do i see past this and never get it eat me inside forever if would stay.