I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated that their husband has decided that he wants to be with the woman with whom he has been cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, the wife has forced this choice with an ultimatum. But other times, the husband has made the choice on his own.
I heard from a wife who said, in part: “about six months ago, I caught my husband cheating with our kids’ teacher. This was so devastating. Luckily, it was the end of the school year, so I no longer have to see her. But even though my husband claimed that he had ended the affair and was no longer in contact, I later found out that this was not entirely true. When I confronted my husband, he didn’t deny it. He said he wasn’t sure if he could let her go. I told him that he would have to let her go if he still wanted to live with me and the kids. He told me he needed a week or so to make a decision. After a couple of weeks, he came home and packed his bags and said that he chose her. He said he would be in contact so he could see the kids. He has called them a couple of times but he hasn’t come by to see them. My friends say that I should accept that we are over. They say that there’s nothing that I can do because he has made his decision. Intellectually, I know that this must be right, but my heart isn’t listening. I just have this feeling that this is not the end for us. Do I even have a chance of being right?”
It’s Not Unusual For Husbands To Change Their Minds Later:
There is always a chance. People change their minds and figure out the affair (and the other person) was a mistake all of the time. Frankly, the statistics undeniably show that many of these deceptive relationships do not stand much of a chance. So many times, once the relationship ends, the husband will realize his mistake and will want to come back. Then the wife must decide if she wants to take him back. Some wives do allow him back and others do not.
Many husbands end up actually missing their wives after the novelty of the affair wears off, so it is absolutely possible that it is not over. But to be honest, it being over or not shouldn’t be more important than your own healing right now. Often, there is not much that you can do but wait and see how this is going to play out. So while you are waiting, you have plenty of time to focus on yourself, how to best heal, and how to determine what you truly want in the future.
I know that it is very tempting to try to manipulate the situation in order to break them up or to bring him back to you, but so often this will backfire and you will regret acting in ways that are beneath you. It’s my experience that you are much better off biding your time and allowing her to be the one to make the mistakes. Because this puts you in the best position to move forward in a positive way.
Focusing On Your Own Healing Puts You In The Best Position Moving Forward (And This Is True Regardless Of How Things Turns Out.)
As I said, I believe that focusing on your healing should be your most important task right now. Why? Because you deserve some deprive from this situation. And because when this situation resolves itself (whether he comes back or not,) you will need to be as strong as you can possibly be to effectively handle it in the way that is the most positive and healthy for you.
And frankly, when your husband leaves to go be with another woman, this can deeply hurt your self esteem. You need to restore it for both yourself and for your children. You do not deserve to feel that you are less than what you are because of a deplorable decision that you yourself did not make.
So to answer the question posed, your marriage might not be over. He could realize that he was wrong and change his mind in the future. This is certainly not unheard of. But you will put yourself in the very best position if you are patient and let this play itself out, while knowing that the odds are on your side. In the meantime, I would advise placing your focus less on what is going to happen with him and more on what is going to happen with you. It is in your best interest to build yourself up so that you are as strong and as confident as you possibly can be. This allows you to make a sound decision from a position of strength if your husband does decide to come back. And frankly, your committing to being the best version of yourself makes his return much more likely.
I know that it is incredibly hard to be patient while this is resolving itself. But, keep in mind that you have a say in this also. You don’t have to just wait around for him to make a decision or to change his mind. You can decide the actions that you are going to take from today forward. And I strongly believe that it is in your best interest for those actions to be based on your needs rather than his. Once I realized this, it made a huge difference in my recovery and my marriage. If it helps, you can read my story onÂ my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com